I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause……………”Tag! You’re it.”

“Squawks” are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left as post-it notes for ground maintenance crews so that the problem can be fixed before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by the pilots recorded with the replies from the ground crews.

P: = the problem, S: = solution

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacing
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight o.k. but Auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not, repeat not, fitted to this aircraft.

P: No 2 propeller casting seeping prop fluid.
S: No 2 propeller seepage normal. No 1, No 3 and No 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Evidence of leak in right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: Volume set to a more believable level.

P: Dead bug on windshield.
S: Live bugs now on order.

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: Number three engine missing.
S: Engine found on port wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to ‘straighten up’, ‘fly right’, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with the words.

Richard Lederer
St. Paul’s School
(Reprinted without permission)

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in “The Illiad”, by Homer. Homer also wrote the “Oddity”, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote “Donkey Hote”. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife dies and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared “a horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called “Candy”. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1327 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the “Organ of the Species”. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

If I like it, it’s mine.
If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
If I’m doing or building something, it’s mine.
If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.

The Philosophies to life!

• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
• Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
• Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse–it’ll be a great trade!
• Everybody repeat after me…..”We are all individuals.”
• Chastity is curable, if detected early.
• Don’t be sexist; broads hate that!
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
• Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you!

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. – Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. – Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -George Carlin

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. – Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. – Roger Simon

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. – Johnny Carson

I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. – Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? – John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. – Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. – Jerry Seinfeld

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God.. I could be eating a slow learner. – Lynda Montgomery

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

“I can’t find it.”
REALLY MEANS
“It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“That’s women’s work.”
REALLY MEANS
“It’s dirty, difficult and thankless.”

“Will you marry me?”
REALLY MEANS
“Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
REALLY MEANS
“There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

“Can I help with dinner?”
REALLY MEANS
“Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“It would take too long to explain.”
REALLY MEANS
“I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
REALLY MEANS
“The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“We’re going to be late.”
REALLY MEANS
“Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
REALLY MEANS
“I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.”
REALLY MEANS
“Are you still talking?”

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
REALLY MEANS
“I forgot our anniversary again.”

“You know how bad my memory is.”
REALLY MEANS
“I remember the words to the theme song of “F Troop”, the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
REALLY MEANS:
“The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe,wearing a thong.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal.”
REALLY MEANS
“I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house.”
REALLY MEANS
“I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing.”
REALLY MEANS
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“What did I do this time?”
REALLY MEANS
“What did you catch me at?”

“I heard you.”
REALLY MEANS
“I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said,and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”

“You really look terrific in that outfit.”
REALLY MEANS
“Please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I brought you a present.”
REALLY MEANS
“It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.”

“I missed you.”
REALLY MEANS
“I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
REALLY MEANS
“No one will ever see us alive again.”

“This relationship is getting too serious.”
REALLY MEANS
“I like you as much as I like my truck.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
REALLY MEANS
“I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without help.”

“Moses Kiptanui – the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.” (David Coleman)

“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.” (Murray Walker)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy:
“It was like being in a foreign country.” (Ian Rush)

“Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.” (John Arlott)

“Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds – totally against the run of play.” (Peter Lorenzo)

“We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized.” (Ian McNail)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” (Winston Bennett)

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.” (Murray Walker)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Greg Norman)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.” (Alan Minter)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” (Terry Venables)

“I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.” (Ron Atkinson).

“He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it – you can see it all over their faces.” (Ron Atkinson)

“I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.” (Ron Atkinson)

“Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel – a Mecca for tourists.” (David Vine)

“Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.” (David Coleman)

Dennis Pennis: “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?”
Chris Eubank: “On what?”

“To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.” (Ruud Gullit)

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.” (Ron Atkinson)

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” (David Acfield)

“What will you do when you leave football, Jack – will you stay in football?” (Stuart Hall – Radio 5 live)

“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” (Mark Draper? Aston Villa)

“There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.” (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

“…and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion.” (John Arlott)

“These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them.” (Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)

“One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer)is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them – Oh my God, what have I just said?” (USTV commentator Jonny Huntridge)

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?